We often think of conflict as being about what we say. But in high-stakes conversations, whether with a colleague, a client, or a loved one – how we show up physically can be just as impactful.
In our April webinar Navigating Conflict With Grace, crisis and communication expert Karleen Savage offered a vital reminder:
“Non-verbal communication can make or break a conversation before a single word is spoken.”
With her extraordinary background and training in hostage negotiation, crisis response and mediation, Karleen brought powerful insights into how we hold ourselves, literally, when tension is high.
Who Is Karleen Savage?
Karleen’s career began in mediation, but her journey soon led her into the world of crisis resolution, including hostage negotiation and courtroom dynamics. Her experiences shaped the creation of her Savage Theory of Resolution®. A five-skill model designed to empower people to navigate conflict with both precision and heart.
Where do we go wrong in conflict?
“Isn’t it wild how quickly judgment takes over when we’re in high-stakes conflicts? Suddenly, instead of really listening, we start bracing for the worst – whatever that looks like to us.
The interesting thing is, ‘the worst’ looks different for each person; yet, we both end up going into full-on protection mode just the same.
That’s when anxiety, tension, and assumptions start running the show. And before you know it, you’re not having a conversation anymore, you’re reacting.”
Here are a couple of Karleen’s quick tips to help calm those nerves and get back in control:
- Ask yourself honestly: Is there something I should own here?
- Use your diaphragm voice: It’s the deeper tone that exudes a more calm demeanour.
- Take a deep breath. Drop your shoulders. And instead of building a case like a lawyer, try to get curious like a scientist.
Starting with these three tips can change everything.
Why Non-Verbal Cues Matter More Than You Think
In conflict, non-verbal communication does more than support our words, it shapes how those words are received.
“When you’re walking into a tense situation, your attitude is everything. And attitude is communicated through your body language just as much as through your voice.”
Our expressions, posture, gestures, even pauses all contribute to whether we’re experienced as open, threatening, dismissive, or grounded. And these cues either diffuse or escalate the emotional temperature.
Karleen’s Non-Verbal Strategies for Graceful Conflict
1. Drop the Shoulders, Soften the Posture
One subtle move Karleen suggests is the act of lowering your shoulders before approaching someone in conflict.
“Sometimes just softening your stance, literally, helps the other person feel safe enough to open up. It’s a signal: I’m here to collaborate, not confront.”
This kind of body awareness can make an enormous difference in setting the tone. It shows receptiveness and control, even when the emotions are running high.
“I observed a manager and team member coming together for a performance improvement plan discussion. The Manager, known for their authoritative approach, was coached prior to the meeting.
Instead of taking the same status quo approach, this time, the Manager walked into the meeting, greeted the employee, and sat down at her desk. The manager took a second before speaking. She took a breath, dropped her shoulders, and started with a calm voice.
In a debrief conversation after this meeting, the team member mentioned being, ‘…pleasantly surprised…’ by the manager’s approach saying, ‘It was much more relaxed and felt like a conversation and not a PIP meeting.’
They even mentioned feeling more motivated to do better.”
2. Mirror Calm, Not Chaos
In moments of conflict, our natural tendency is to match the other person’s energy, especially if they’re agitated or aggressive. But Karleen cautions against mirroring tension.
“You manage the room by managing yourself. That includes your volume, your gestures, your pace. If you stay grounded, you offer them a place to land.”
By maintaining open body language, steady eye contact (without intensity), and calm movements, you can subtly de-escalate a situation, without needing to say a word.
“My husband worked at Disneyland when he was a young man, long before body language became a respected field of study. Even back then, the organization understood the power of nonverbal communication.
One of their key instructions? ‘Always gesture with open hands, even when giving directions.’ It may seem too subtle, but it sent a clear, welcoming message: You’re safe here.
That same technique shows up in mediation rooms today, proving that what works in the Happiest Place on Earth also works in the most tense conversations on Earth.”
3. Attitude Is a Non-Verbal Message
One of Karleen’s core philosophies is that attitude shapes outcome, and much of that attitude is expressed through non-verbals.
“I walk in thinking, ‘I’m here to help, but I’m not here to solve it for you.’ That mindset comes through in how I hold myself, how I listen, how I speak.”
It’s not about being passive. It’s about being present. People pick up on whether you’re defensive, dismissive, or genuinely curious, and they do so before you speak.
Your body can speak louder than your words, and people are incredibly attuned to the messages you’re sending, even if you’re unaware you’re sending them.
4. A Tool You Can Use Today: Pre-Framing With a Soft Entry
Karleen offered a powerful technique that uses non-verbal warmth to set the tone from the outset:
“Rather than announcing a difficult conversation, I’ll say something like: ‘Look, before we start, I just want you to know your work really matters here.’ One kind sentence can settle the whole room.”
Paired with a calm tone, eye contact, and softened physicality, this gentle lead-in lowers the emotional guard and primes the other person for collaboration.
Ideas for starting the right way:
- I’ve noticed some things lately, and I wanted to check in with you.
- Before we dive in, I want you to know I see the effort you’ve been putting in.
- I just want to understand what’s going on, so I am asking for your insight.
- You matter to this team, and that’s why I wanted to have this conversation.
- Something feels a little off, and I thought it’d be better to ask instead of assume.
- I’m here to figure some things out, and I thought you could help the most.
- I would like to share something I’ve been sitting with for a bit and get your feedback; are you game?
- From what I’ve seen, it looks like you’ve had a lot on your plate, can we talk about it?
- Let’s walk through this together…
- My intention is to be helpful, but I’m hoping for a candid conversation with you first?
Final Thought
Conflict is never just about words, it’s a full-body experience. And as Karleen so clearly shows us, how you hold yourself can determine how someone holds your message.
If we want to navigate conflict with grace, we must start with the signals our bodies send, because sometimes, those speak the loudest.
Want to Learn More?
You can find out more about Karleen’s trailblazing work in conflict resolution using the links below;
Karleen’s approach aligns beautifully with the Serlin Method used at London Speech Workshop.
If you’re ready to build your own conflict resolution toolkit, or enhance your communication style, why not book a Free 15-Minute Discovery Call with our team?
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